Eamonn Fitzgerald's Rainy Day

...for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. Yes, Ireland! And why not? Just because America has Pamela Anderson, Tiger Woods and George W. Bush doesn't mean that it should dominate global culture. No sir! No madam! That's why we're offering Ireland as an alternative venue to the hegemonic USA for Borat's cultural education.

But what would kind of cultural learnings might Ireland offer? The Rainy Day program starts with a full Irish breakfast washed down by a few pints and then moves on to hurling. That's right. The ancient game of the Gael would surely fascinate the man from Kusek, one of whose hobbies is throwing rocks at gypsies. And to make it really interesting, the exhibition would take place in Limerick, a city famously praised for its hospitality by Frank McCourt, the well-known Irish comedian. Not!

Cut to Limerick and a green-field site, which will soon be converted to a microchip production plant, where two hurling teams, which means 30 hairy (usually) men, armed with wicked looking sticks and a tiny ball called a sliotar, are glaring at a person they don't like called the referee. The idea of hurling is that each side whacks away at the ball except for when the referee isn't looking, which is when they whack away at each other. This goes on for an hour, until those who have not been hospitalized give up and go to the pub. Jagshemash!

Anyway, after a few minutes of hurling, Borat runs out onto the field, waves his arms and stops play. "It's very nice," he says, "But I have suggestion. You take away shitter." At which point, embarrassed hurling officials shout in unison: "sliotar!" And Borat says, "It's very nice." And continues: "You take away and reformer, too. That make hitting better."

The remaining uninjured hurlers graciously point out that you cannot have a game of hurling without a sliotar and a referee, which prompts Borat to respond. "Irish very nice, but Borat suggest replace ball and reformer with Jew! Then everyone beat him with hitting sticks!" Seeing the consternation on the player's face, Borat thinks this means approval and he kisses each hurler, which shocks them much more than the worst whack they're ever received because man kissing in Ireland is only done in the dark. After the pub.

Sheepishly, the hurlers inform Borat that they cannot find a Jew to beat with their sticks because in 1904 Father John Creagh urged Limerick Catholics "not to deal with the Jews." The resulting Limerick Pogrom was an economic boycott waged against the small Jewish community for over two years until they fled the city. Upon hearing this, Borat claps his hands with joy and kisses each of the 30 men again, twice. Pepsi Max!

TIME OUT: For an interesting take on Sacha Baron Cohen and Jewish vaudeville, read Borat Owes Me 97 Dollars by Jody Rosen.

SUGGESTION: If you think that Ireland is not the right place to provide Cultural Learnings for Borat, where would you prefer to see Rainy Day take him next? The options available are Italy, Germany, France or Spain. Jagshemash!