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Think or Swim: part III

When he surfaced and looked back at the Malaga Barrier, Mao could see a major security operation cranking up. Floodlights were arcing out across the night sky, someone was barking commands, boat engines revved and helicopter rotors began to thump the air.

He shrugged off the two oxygen tanks, attached his face mask and scuba suit and let the lot sink into the dark water. Then, he took a risk: He fished the communicator out of his backpack, switched it on and waited for a location signal. But it was a calculated risk because the device was using Galileo, the flawed satellite navigation system the EUSA had introduced in 2013, after the American GPS had been outlawed. With luck, no one would lock onto him in this quadrant and even if they did, they'd probably get an inaccurate reading.

Galileo showed him that Nerja, a holiday resort to the east of Malaga, was the nearest coastal town. If he could make landfall somewhere below it, he'd throw on the change of clothes in the backpack and then break into an empty holiday home.

Calling up ProPedia and searching for Nerja, he found exactly what he needed: "Hacienda Brûlé... elegant, geometric structures ... wind-powered... muscular Finnish carpentry... Med-cool... linen... Nordic/Japanese... rest-space... workplace... best craftspeople from the Gulf of Bothnia... staff from... shuttle service... low-key utopian..."

Hacienda Brûlé He scanned another screen and turned off the communicator. It sounded perfect. Certainly too posh for guard dogs, not to mind armed security types, he thought. It probably had some kind of sensor fencing, and definitely retina ID, time locks and pressure alarms, all of which should not be that difficult to deal with. The real danger might be mature Scandinavian housewives prowling for anomalous sex. But after midnight?

He began swimming towards Spain.

Ploughing the rolling waves of the Mediterranean, Mao Kelly was, for the first time in five years, at peace with the world. Naked, apart from the backpack, he felt as if the had been born for the water, like the sea turtle, which can be found in all the world's oceans, except the Arctic Ocean. He'd learned that in primary school in Dublin.

His parents had told him that for many Chinese, turtles symbolise health and longevity. Maybe that was why they ate so much turtle soup. Meat, skin and innards, nothing turtely was wasted in the Kelly kitchen. Seeing turtles in your dreams meant something, too, they'd said, but he'd forgotten what.

An object brushed against his leg. Sea turtle? Not very likely in the fished-out Mediterranean? Mine? Very possible in the Mediterranean, given the low-intensity war going on between the EUSA and the Salafist Maghreb states. But a mine behind the Malaga Barrier? Unlikely. So what could it have been, then?

"Think or swim", he said to himself, and ploughed on.

When the clouds pulled back, he saw a silvery chain of pin-prick light stretching out along a dark shoulder of coastline. He was almost there.



Think or Swim: Part II

"You see," said the Iranian. "Is just 300 metres now. You never leave light trail. OK?"

"And you never leave light trail, either, mate," Ajani said, jabbing his big index finger into the Iranian's chest.

"Is good, friend. Is good," answered the submariner, stepping back a pace. The Irishman and the Nigerian turned their attention back to the path that led towards the outer edge of the underground wall, which looked white on the screen and grey through the sub's viewports.

Kelly had hooked up his communicator, in protected mode, to the sub's navigation system and as far the co-ordinates went, it seemed as if the Dutch engineer had been telling the truth. If the zig-zag route he'd memorized was accurate, they'd get around the barrier, alright. After that, it was blue water and an hour's freestyle swimming.

"Time to go," said Kelly. The Iranian pecked again at his keyboard and the door of what was once the sub's rescue chamber opened. Ajani and Kelly entered, checked their scuba gear, double-checked that their headlamps were working and triple-checked that their communicators were safe in the pockets of their waterproof backpacks. They gave each other the thumbs up as the door closed behind them.

When the red light came on, they pulled on their dome masks and switched on the oxygen. The chamber began to fill with water and the digital meters on the wall sprang into action. A minute later, the two men were out in the Mediterranean.



Continue reading "Think or Swim: Part II" »

Think or Swim: Part I

"Zoo kay to bury 'er." The Iranian's English buzzed in Mao Kelly's earpiece. The Irishman nudged Ajani and the big Nigerian turned to see Kelly tap two fingers against the palm of his hand.

They were just two kilometres out from the Malaga barrier.

0708morocco.jpg Forty minutes earlier, under a shroud of midnight darkness, the converted submersible vehicle that had formerly been the property of the British Royal Navy slid off the Moroccan coast, north of Ksar-es-Seghir. Now, it was nearing the drop point. Once discharged, the two passengers would swim around the underwater barricade and illegally enter the territory of the European United States Association.

Kelly had paid €300,000 for the trip but he still doubted that he'd ever touch the dry land of Spain. There were simply too many improbables. He didn't trust the Iranians who ran the mini-sub, and he wasn't convinced that the blueprint he'd downloaded in Essaouira claiming to show the location of the mines and sensors was genuine. The guy he'd dealt with on the grid said he was a Dutch engineer and that he'd worked on the EUSA project to build the Mediterranean fortifications that were meant to keep Africa from spilling under and over Europe's borders, once and for all.



Continue reading "Think or Swim: Part I" »

Graham Greene on men at work

Compared to joining the British army at the outbreak of World War II, the post that Graham Greene took up in the Ministry of Information was a soft option but it didn't prevent him from satirizing the bureaucracy in "Men at Work". In the short story, Europe might be falling under the Nazi jackboot and the Battle of Britain may be raging, but the central character, Skate, has to chair a Book Committee meeting. The agenda reads:

1. Arising from the Minutes.
2. Pamphlet in Welsh on German labour conditions.
3. Facilities for Wilkinson to visit the A.T.S.
4. Objections to proposed Bone pamphlet.
5. Suggestions for a leaflet from Meat Marketing Boards.
6. The problem of India.

The meeting is in progress when someone bursts into with news of an impending air raid:

" 'We must really get Bone's pamphlet out,' Hill said.
Skate suddenly, to his surprise, said savagely, 'That'll show them,' and then sat down in humble collapse as though he had been caught out in treachery."

The meeting breaks up; Skate goes to the window and looks up at the sky. As he contemplates the heavens, Greene has him deliver one of the most perfectly balanced sentences ever written: "Far up in the pale enormous sky little white lines, like the phosphorescent spoor of snails, showed where men were going home after work."

Graham Greene was sacked from the Ministry of Information after six months. He didn't complain. In 1941, he found the role that would determine so much of his life and work. He was recruited into the British Secret Service by his younger sister Elisabeth.



The dogsbody's dogsbody

Our recent opportunity to get to grips with Ulysses in its original context was rewarded in so many ways, and the quick dips into the book re-revealed the exhilarating mimetic power of the English language in the hands of a genius such as James Joyce. An illustration: Stephen Dedalus is walking along Sandymount Strand in Dublin when he notices a dog, belonging to a pair of cocklepickers, discovering the carcass of another dog that's been washed up by the sea. Now, savour this perfect mix of vocabulary, syntax and rhythm:

"Unheeded he kept by them as they came towards the drier sand, a rag of wolfstongue redpanting from his jaws. His speckled body ambled ahead of them and then loped off at a calf's gallop. The carcass lay on his path. He stopped, sniffed, stalked around it, brother, nosing closer, went round it, sniffing rapidly like a dog all over the dead dog's bedraggled fell. Dogskull, dogsniff, eyes on the ground, moves to one great goal. Ah, poor dogsbody. Here lies dogsbody's dogsbody."

Joyce's great gift is that he makes us perceive reality more clearly than we see it.



Ryszard Kapuściński's Open World

Last week, here, we paid tribute to one of the greatest journalists of our time, Ryszard Kapuściński, who died on 23 January. The latest issue of the New Yorker honours Kapuściński with "A Legendary Travel Writer's First Trip Abroad" and it contains some exquisite writing. Kapuściński arrived in New Delhi 56 years ago and was soon walking along sidewalks filled with more colour than could be found in the whole of post-Stalin Poland: "Here was a man who had laid out two rows of human teeth and some old pliers on a piece of newspaper, thereby advertising his dental services." From a bookseller, he bought Hemingway's "For Whom the Bell Tolls", which he thought would be "useful for learning English":

I returned to the hotel and opened the Hemingway, to the first sentence: "He lay flat on the brown, pine-needled floor of the forest, his chin on his folded arms, and high overhead the wind blew in the tops of the pine trees." I understood nothing. I had a small English-Polish pocket dictionary, the only one available in Warsaw. I managed to find the word "brown," but none of the others. I proceeded to the next sentence: "The mountainside sloped gently." Again — not a word. "There was a stream alongside." The more I tried to understand this text, the more discouraged I became. I felt trapped. Besieged by language. Language struck me at that moment as something material, something with a physical dimension, a wall rising up in the middle of the road and blocking my way, closing off the world, making it unattainable.

But Kapuściński adopted a new strategy. One that many language learners could learn from:

Cast into deep water, I didn’t want to drown. I realized that only language could save me. I began cramming words, night and day. I placed a cold towel on my temples, feeling as if my head were bursting. I was never without the Hemingway, but now I skipped the descriptive passages, which I couldn’t understand, and read the dialogue:

“How many are you?” Robert Jordan asked.
“We are seven and there are two women.”
“Two?”
“Yes.”

I understood all of that! And this, too:

“Augustín is a very good man,” Anselmo said.
“You know him well?”
“Yes. For a long time.”

I walked around the city, copying down signs, the names of goods in stores, words overheard at bus stops. In movie theatres, I scribbled blindly, in darkness, the words on the screen; I noted the slogans on banners carried by demonstrators in the streets. I approached India not through images, sounds, and smells but through words; and not the words of the indigenous Hindi but those of a foreign, imposed tongue, which by then had so fully taken root there that it was for me an indispensable key to the country.

If you, like us, can be spellbound by storytelling, "A Legendary Travel Writer's First Trip Abroad" will transfix you. Ryszard Kapuściński was truly a magical writer.



Ryszard Kapuscinski and his silva rerum

If you aspire to write about the world we find ourselves in, you should aspire to write, now and then, as the late Ryszard Kapuscinski (1932-2007) wrote. And you should, now and then, attempt to write about more than your petty obsessions. Most of us, alas, never manage this. Here's how he nailed our miserable failings:

Twenty years ago, I was in Africa, and this is what I saw: I went from revolution to coup d'Ètat, from one war to another; I witnessed, in effect, history in the making, real history, contemporary history, our history. But I was also surprised: I never saw a writer. I never met a poet or a philosopher — even a sociologist. Where were they? Such important events, and not a single writer anywhere?

Then I would return to Europe and I would find them. They would be at home, writing their little domestic stories: the boy, the girl, the laughing, the intimacy, the marriage, the divorce — in short, the same story we've been reading over and over again for a thousand years. You know, the other day I was reading about the novels that won the annual French prizes. It was incredible. None of these books had anything to do with our world, our reality — nothing. There was one about an unwanted child, and another about a boy, a girl, the laughing, the intimacy —"

In the course of an historically important interview with the then editor of Granta, Bill Buford, the late Ryszard Kapuscinski described what he did by resorting to the Latin phrase silva rerum: the forest of things. "That's my subject: the forest of things, as I've seen it, living and travelling in it."

Kapuscinski asked himself: "Why am I a writer? Why have I risked my life so many times, come so close to dying? Is it to report the weirdness? To earn my salary?" And he answered: "Mine is not a vocation, it's a mission. I wouldn't subject myself to these dangers if I didn't feel that there was something overwhelmingly important — about history, about ourselves — that I felt compelled to get across. This is more than journalism." Ryszard Kapuscinski was more than a reporter. He was a fearless witness and a great storyteller.



Gatsby again

Yes, yes, we'll come to Saddam later, but we don't want to spoil the morning by thinking of that very wicked man and the mass graves he filled with his victims, do we? Instead, we're kicking off today with a Rainy Day perennial, The Great Gatsby. An e-mail from James Graham is responsible this time as he alerted us to the fact that yesterday in the Washington Post Jonathan Yardley termed F. Scott Fitzgerald's novel, "The Greatest of Them All". Says Yardley:

In an extraordinarily compressed space -- the novel is barely 50,000 words long -- Fitzgerald gives us a meditation on some of this country's most central ideas, themes, yearnings and preoccupations: the quest for a new life, the preoccupation with class, the hunger for riches and "the last and greatest of all human dreams; for a transitory enchanted moment man must have held his breath in the presence of this continent, compelled into an aesthetic contemplation he neither understood nor desired, face to face for the last time in history with something commensurate to his capacity for wonder."

That famous passage -- every passage in "Gatsby" is famous -- is on the novel's final page, near the end of six pages of prose so incandescent as, in my case quite literally, to send shivers down the spine.

This is indeed the truth. Yardley adds that if "from all of our country's books I could have only one, 'The Great Gatsby' would be it", and he concludes his meditation with an excerpt, of which he observes: "Those words, and the few hundred others that follow as the novel reaches its end, seem to me now -- eight decades after that imagined first reading -- the most beautiful, compelling and true in all of American literature. Each reading of them is a revelation and a gift." Because the passage is so seasonal and sensational, it's worth repeating:

"One of my most vivid memories is of coming back west from prep school and later from college at Christmas time. . . . When we pulled out into the winter night and the real snow, our snow, began to stretch out beside us and twinkle against the windows, and the dim lights of small Wisconsin stations moved by, a sharp wild brace came suddenly into the air. We drew in deep breaths of it as we walked back from dinner through the cold vestibules, unutterably aware of our identity with this country for one strange hour, before we melted indistinguishably into it again."

Yardley writes, "If in 1925 I didn't gasp at that, there would have been something seriously wrong with me." Same goes for 2007. James Graham says of Gatsby, "Although I don't read much fiction I've decided to give it a second reading." You won't regret it, James. It is the greatest.



War and Peace, Russian style

Glas 40 War is brutal, but Russian war is something else entirely. Glas magazine, which promotes Russian writing in the English-speaking world, delves into the conflicts in Chechnya and the Caucasus in its latest issue — Glas 40: War and Peace — and it's grim but brilliant stuff.

One of the contributors is Julia Latynina, a talented and brave journalist, who specializes in exposing corruption in the Caucasus. Lawlessness, local mafia lords, totalitarianism and rebel chieftains populate the landscape here and Latynina pulls the patchwork threads together to make it all readable, and terrifying. She notes: "Russia's weak, hopelessly corrupt and incredibly venal state authority is gradually slipping down from the Caucasus Mountains — as grease slips off a dirty plate under a jet of hot water — exposing what has been there for thousands of years: a culture of mutual assistance based on clanship and family ties, barbarous cruelty, a cult of individual honour and blood vengeance — with the simple difference that now the blood vengeance is exacted using grenade launchers and Kalashnikovs."

Here's a memorable excerpt from Julia Latynina's novel Niyazbek, translated by Andrew Bromfield:

Gamzat nodded at the man who was being eaten alive by flies.
"What's happened to him?" asked Vladislav.
"A dog bit him," answered Gamzat.
Gazi-Magomed explained:
"They dragged him out of here and said: 'If you fuck a dog, we'll let you go'. So he fucked it. In front of everyone. But the bitch was in heat, and something inside her jammed tight. They got stuck together, and they couldn't get unstuck. The soldier was yelling, the dog was biting him, and the Chechens just laughed. So if they tell you to fuck a dog, don't do it. They won't let you go anyway."
Vladislav squeezed his eyes shut, and when he opened them, the copper stripe of sunlight on the floor had disappeared, and the only things glittering in the basement were the chains.
"Is he Russian?" asked Vladislav, looking at the man bitten by the dog.
"Yes," said Gamzat, and Gazi-Magomed added:
"They wouldn't do that to a Rutul, would they? Or a Lezghin? Or an Avar? If they did that to a Rutul, the whole clan would avenge him. But who's going to take vengeance for a Russian?"

Strong stuff, to be sure, but what's happening on Russia's borders is beyond belief. The Western media, transfixed by hatred of Bush and Blair, remains obsessed with Mesopotamia, which conveniently acts as a cover for cowardice in questioning what's going on in Chechnya and the Caucasus, so we should be grateful to those incredibly brave and talented people who put Glas 40: War and Peace together.



Trifles — a short story: Part 5

Want to come up to speed on the Rainy Day fiction serial? Read part one, part two, part three and part four before tackling the ultimate episode.

It was said the Aggie Lone, MacK's mother, had not been outside the house in twenty years. After her husband died following "questioning" by the authorities in the Barracks, she handed over the running of the family pub to her eldest son and spent her life indoors, leafing through a prayerbook swollen with sepia photos of departed that it was customary to circulate around that time. She made haphazard appearances in the bar, when "her own people", as she put it, were down from the mountain and she emerged to play cards one night a week during the winter months when a goose or a turkey was the main prize.

Neddie didn't mind the musty old woman with the white skin and blue lips even though she always insisted on holding his hand. When he'd manage to withdraw it from her clasp, folded paper money would be his to pocket. It was a small price to pay.

"Stop! You shouldn't. You're too good," Granny would say after seeing the note, protesting that the times were too hard to be giving money away to "young fellas" who didn't know the value of it.

Often, however, when sitting beside the fire at home, Granny would draw down the subject of Mrs Lone and Neddy would detect a change in tone.

"That one's rotten with money," she'd say bitterly, adding mysterious elaborations such as, "Two brothers clerics, a sister a minister and another a counselor. All they have is what they can take from the poor people." And this was just the start of the invective.

As Neddy toyed with his glass of lemonade, tilting it to see how far he could slant it before spilling some on the table top, the two old women continued to whisper. They had knowledge and their topics were necessarily clandestine: deaths, wakes, burials, funerals, families, graves, cemeteries, certainties. Sometimes, to leaven the conversation, they discuss pains, ailments and complaints, after which they'd list the youthful that had died too soon and the elderly that had lived beyond the expected span. Young girls who "got caught" were another favourite and although Neddy wasn't fully sure of what was involved, he could sense that it was scandalous.

Two hours would elapse, usually, before MacK would approach their table, mutter something into his mother's ear and withdraw. The message was then transmitted to Granny. It was time for them to go home.

The house was packed, filled with smoke and talk and overflowing with life. Some of the men were still sweating from their exertions, dabbing their foreheads with handkerchiefs and lifting up their hats and caps to run fingers through their matted hair. Most of them held bottles, which they raised high before tossing the pungent drink down their throats. Mr Ford and Mr Taylor were washing their hands in one corner, passing the yellow bar of carbolic soap back and forth, lathering their arms and Neddy noticed that the water in the large enamel pan had a rosy tint.

In the back room, some of the women were scrubbing the walls and the floor using wire brushes. Their buckets of suds reeked of Jeyes fluid. They chattered gaily, which added a semblance of normalcy to the chore of cleaning up after a truthing. The others were brewing big pots of tea and heaping plates with sandwiches.

The pliers The sideboard was lined with knives, which Nolie Doland was shining and drying with two kinds of soft cloth. Opposite her, Janey Kennerflock held the pliers up to the light and was removing something stubborn from between its jaws with a sliver of metal. The ropes were soaking in two black buckets that were filled to the brim. Again, the reddish hue.

Neddy wandered back into the parlour where he was suddenly grabbed by Mr Dinlaye, who shaved only on Sundays.

"I'll sandpaper you, me lad," said the old man laughing and he rubbed his bristles across the boy's right cheek while embracing him. Face red and smarting from the assault, Neddy stumbled back against a chair only to have his wrist caught by Mr Grifford, who kept the big dog that the men brought their smaller dogs to when they wanted pups. He quickly shoved his hand down the front of Neddy's trousers.

"Anythin' stirrin' yet?" he leered and winked. Neddy gaped at the huge red head under the dirty hat, stepped back, saw his father in the corner and wriggled his way through the crowed room towards him.

A time would come in a place far away when he was in the middle of crowds, walking between purposes, thinking of all the things he had to do, visualizing lists and inwardly crossing off items, when the light in the evening city sky would suddenly take on a certain tinge and it would all flow back. Or it might happen when music escaped from an open window. But it has to be something modal. Then, the past that no one admitted to, with all the cries that had gone unheard, echoed around him. What was the meaning? He couldn't recall. At this distance, it was futile and inexplicable. He'd sometimes cry when he was on his own, but the tears weren't for the informers and their suffering. He wept for that moment when everything was perfect and he was at the centre of the world. He could taste the loss.

Neddy snuggled in beside Granny in her fireside armchair. Tommy Potter and Tommy Parsons had taken out their instruments and were settling on the tuning that was preferred for the region's minor music. Soon they'd launch into "The Starry Monster," everyone's favourite. Now it was almost bedtime, but not quite yet. The best part was coming.

He saw his mother approaching. The crowd parted as she made her way towards Neddy. There was much head nodding and smiling in his direction and murmurs of "He's the lad," and "Afraid of nothing" could be heard. She handed him the dish first and then the spoon. He smiled before digging down through the large splash of cream that covered the trifle and gathered up an amount he judged wouldn't spill on the way back up. It tasted of? Everything nice and something else, too. Something faintly metallic, perhaps? No, something else entirely. And then he had it. It tasted of secrets.



Trifles — a short story: Part 4

Arriving late for the Rainy Day fiction serial? Here's part one, part two and part three.

A helicopter thudded the air in the distance. A convoy of grey-black military vehicles was nosing its way up along the Glen road. When the basket became too heavy he placed it on the ground and switched carrying hands. Neddy could see all way to home now across the light green, dark green mosaic of fields. Someone was moving sheep up the hill and a dog barked.

Only once had he been stopped by a patrol. It wasn't long after they'd started doing the runs to Rathbones. The third trip. His mother had made a rhubarb tart, but in a flat, deep tin as opposed to the usual round, shallow one. They were trying out different ways of moving identity papers.

The vehicles were angled across the road just past the Bend. It was then that he noticed the soldier lying beside the drain, his face smudged with green and brown paint. Another was kneeling near a furze bush. They held their weapons with a casual, professional boredom. Four more were standing around the lead van, chatting and smoking and all of them seemed to welcome the sight of Neddy.

Although they spoke in his direction, he couldn't make out what they were saying because they were talking into their helmets at the same time. Crackled chatter spilled out from another part of their headgear so he proffered the basket in the hope that it was what was expected of him. The smallest one indicated that he should place it on the road — "Not there. Here. Understand? Here!" — and when he was satisfied with its positioning, another one of them came forward and moved a metal bar backwards and forwards over it. Neddy noticed another muzzle pointing directly at him through the hedge on the right-hand side of the road.

The biggest of the soldiers bent down, removed the dishcloth that covered the tart and placed his palm on the surface. He raised his hand to his mouth, swallowed and smiled before wiping his face with his sleeve.

"Merciful hour!" said Mrs Rathbone, when he showed her the cratered rhubarb tart.

"A black man!" said Mr Rathbone, "That's a terror!"
"Are you sure he was black?"

"As black as the ace of spades," answered Neddy, pleased that he was quick enough to use the adultism.

Despite their concern, they didn't hesitate to send him home with a bowl of trifle containing an embedded pair of pliers.

pliers Much later, he concluded that someone inside the army had provided a tip off about the road block and that was why he had been sent out to meet it. The incident would be logged and future patrols would not waste time on young boys carrying food baskets, although there was the danger that word of the delicious rhubarb tart might get around. But everything involved risk.

"What kept you, Neddy?" asked his mother when he walked into the kitchen with the basket. The welcome sounded gruff, but it was filled with maternal concern. Love isn't always articulate, he was to learn. He picked up a crust of bread and began to chew on it, while telling her about the fall and Anastasia Rathbone's treatment of the cut knee.

"Go on, now," said his mother, after checking the dressing, "Granny's waiting for you."

The parlour was filling up. The big men, Nightly and Made, had arrived and were already rolling up their sleeves. It was their job to strip the informer, drag him to the table, heave him onto it, bind him with the spancels and hold him down during the interrogation. Like most men blessed with extraordinary strength, they spoke softly and their conversation was marked more by silences than by sentences, but they filled in the spaces with glances and nods. Tomorrow, in preparation for the Town cattle sale, they'd be grappling with mountain animals that could cripple a man with a kick or the swipe of a horn so they had developed an asynchronous approach to deeds and words.

"Neddy, will you come on?" called Granny, crossly, rising from the fireside seat, bending over her stick. It was time to leave the truthing.

Although he was part of the operation and while he had a very good idea of what was involved in its final stage, he was not allowed to be a witness.

In the words of Aunty Breedy, Neddy was "a sensitive child" and she wanted him to go places, to do well at his books, to avert his eyes and ears from sadism. Right now, that meant he'd have to leave and lead his grandmother down the road to the Green Tree.

MacK, the owner, nodded at them from behind the bar as they entered. He filled a glass with lemonade and began to fill a much smaller one with sherry. As they watched the dark liquid rise, the door behind him opened and an ancient, almost translucent figure began to emerge.

Next week: The END



Trifles — a short story: Part 3

First time visiting the Rainy Day fiction serial? You can read part one here and part two here.

With the trifle in the bowl and the bowl in the basket, Neddy was ready for the road. All he needed was his corduroy jacket, which Mrs Rathbone was holding and inspecting concernedly. Another button missing? Opening it, closing it, shaking it, turning it inside out.

"Your mother put in the note?"
"Inside the lining," answered Neddy, testing the weight of the basket, anxious to be going and annoyed by the question.

"Well, I can't see it," Mrs Rathbone said, advancing, holding the jacket wide open, the lining exposed. "Look at that."

Neddy saw that she was pointing at the safety pin, which gaped open — bare like an unfurnished fishing hook.

Before he could articulate the inference that was forming in his mind, Mrs Rathbone got there first.

"It sprung open when you fell and the note came out," she said.

"Jesus, Mary and Holy St. Joseph! We're done for now" exclaimed Mr Rathbone, as if he'd been prodded into consciousness by something hot and sharp.

"Will you be quiet," scolded said Mrs Rathbone.
"Tell me again where you fell, Neddy."

He recounted his route: along the Top Road, down by the Bower, up the back of the Main, on past the Wires… the sudden shower, running, stumbling, examining his knee, picking out some of the smaller bits of grit…

"I'll be back in a minute," said Mrs Rathbone, putting on a headscarf as she moved across the room.

"If anyone calls, tell them I'm gone over to Ehgans," she commanded Mr Rathbone, and closed the door.

The wall clock ticked and the two generations looked into the fire as if expecting the glowing coals and wavering flames to reveal something about the crisis. And, after a while, they did.

As Neddy saw it, the red-hot fire was what informers would have to live with for all time, once they had told the truth and after they'd been cut up. That much was obvious to him. But the constantly changing flames, dancing across the coals, sometimes merging, sometimes shooting up and then sinking back into themselves also said something about informing. If only he could decipher their message. And then it came to him.

Finding informers and getting them to tell the truth was something everyone was involved in. Next to doing their jobs, going to the church and playing their games, nothing was as important for the people of Above, Below and Behind as truthing and, for some, it was much more important than jobs, church and games, because it was more interesting than all them put together. The jobs were drudgery, the church was cold and the games ended in predictable fighting.

pliers But finding informers. Now that was different. It demanded concentration, observation and the use of logic. Neddy knew that the simplest way of catching them was by watching houses, because informers used certain ones. Another giveaway was things. Informers sometimes had nicer things in their homes than their neighbours. Given that the money for these things could only have come from collaboration, everyone knew that this was a reliable indicator of treachery and the fact that almost all the informers caught in this way screamed the loudest and cried the most and kept on saying that they had said nothing to nobody confirmed their guilt. Still these were not the ways by which the majority of informers were caught. No. Most of them were trapped when they "made a slip", as his mother put it. This could be word or a glance, and outsiders would have no idea of what was revealed, but those in the know knew.

Slowly, disconcertingly, it began to dawn on Neddy that he might have made a slip on his way to fetch the trifle.

"The note fell out of your coat?"

He could almost hear Mr Power mocking him as he flexed the pliers before he began the interrogation.

And Neddy could hear his own stammering answer, "Yes, it fell out when I fell."
But anyone could say that, couldn't they? He wanted to pee.

Suddenly, Mr Rathbone stabbed his walking stick into the coal bucket, which came alive with a snarl.

"Blast you!" he shouted at the black cat as it jumped across the fireplace before disappearing behind the opposing armchair. A few minutes later it was seesawing itself across the backs of Neddy's bare legs, purring, its tail raised and twitching. It was a pleasant sensation and he'd have enjoyed it much more if the thought of being ripped asunder by half dozen hard men whose search for the truth knew no limits wasn't so preoccupying.

The door opened. It was Mrs Rathbone. He wanted to burst out crying, but he didn't.
"Neddy," she said.
He expected the men to enter the room any second now.
"Put on your coat. They're expecting you at home."

"Are you letting him go?" asked Mr Rathbone, and Neddy was certain he detected an undertone of disappointment in his voice as if the old man had been looking forward to seeing blood spilled and now sensed that it wasn't going to happen.

While fixing his coat, and settling the dish cloth around the ceramic bowl, and ruffling his hair, and placing her rough hand tenderly on his sore knee, she said odd things like "Will you look at you now?", and "It'll be fine before your twice married."

Simultaneously, and displaying no apparent difficulty in keeping two conversations going, Mrs Rathbone spoke to her husband over Neddy's head explaining that the two Ehgan girls had retraced Neddy's route and found the note exactly where he said he had fallen. They were certain that it hadn't been opened because they checked with the lads who assured them no patrol had been past the Wires that day. They boys were watching as they'd placed a culvert bomb there and it hadn't gone off yet. A week later, the two girls would die when, as the official report put it, "a victim operated improvised explosive device" blew up as they cycled past that very same spot.

"Now, off with you," said Mrs Rathbone, "and don't let that basket drop, whatever you do. And make sure you take the Bottom Road this time. And tell your mother and father I was inquiring for them."

She was still issuing advice as he looked back for the last time at the doorway framing the two elderly accomplices to dozens of murders who had been joined by the black cat.

Next week: Part 4



Trifles — a short story: Part 2

Arriving late for the Rainy Day fiction serial? You can read part one here.

"Neddy! Come in," invited Mr Rathbone, "And close the door after you."

"Anything strange in Newhouses?" the old man asked over his shoulder, turning and limping towards the parlour, his walking stick tapping the way.

This was Mr Rathbone's ritual question and Neddy, never sure how to respond, answered, as always, "No. Nothing strange at all, Mr Rathbone."

What made something strange, anyway, he had often asked himself? Was it strange that he had seen Nindeen shoving his tongue into Nans Oran's mouth one evening when he had gone around the back of the school and she hadn't stopped him? Or was it strange that Mr Tobined would arrive at his house later in the day with his big knife for the sticking?

As soon as he was grown up he'd leave Newhouses and go somewhere strange so that he'd be able to come back and answer Mr Rathbone's question properly. He'd been looking at Master Linch's maps and had decided that any place called Luxembourg must be very strange, although not so big that he'd get lost, so he'd go there.

He'd return after a year with lots of presents for everyone, of course. Optical switches and printed circuit boards that the lads could use for cleverer blowing up, and he'd make a special effort to find some of the things the dentist used for prodding inside people's mouths and making them cry. Silver ones. Thin, with cross-looking sharp ends angled like the beaks on those African birds that can stand on one leg all day and were pictured on the middle pages of his nature book. They'd be far better than the pointed sticks Mr Taylor used for getting the truth out of the informers. Wouldn't break as often, either. For his mother, he'd get a…

"Neddy!" greeted Mrs Rathbone as she came in carrying a bucket of coal in each hand. "What in God's name happened your knee? Sit down there and I'll put something on it."

A minute later she was handing him a large slice of barmbrack and a glass of lemonade. As he ate and drank steadily, she returned with an enamel pan filled with warm water made milky with Dettol antiseptic and began to dab the blood-crusted skin with a soft cloth that had once been part of a nightshirt that was now too small for Mr Rathbone.

"How's your mother and father?" she asked.
Oh, fine, Mrs Rathbone."

"They're great people," she declared, dabbing all the while, and going on to tell him and Mr Rathbone, who was looking into the fire, chin resting on his stick, what fine parents he had. Hard workers. Careful. Decent. Bright. The praise made him happy. Years later, when he was making a living by making things up, he realized she was telling him that his people were far more intelligent than the country gave them credit for. He also learned in Luxembourg that such a moment of unexpected manifestation when we become aware of our history or ourselves was called an epiphany and it became one of his favourite words.

pliars Mrs Rathbone spoke rhythmically and ceaselessly, which was why they didn't interrupt her, as she recalled great-grandfathers long dead, cousins in the Big City, aunts emigrated to Beyond and relations of relations of relations who had married men and women from Below and Behind. She described the bad times before liberation and the worse times after liberation and emphasized how tough the people had to be. Neddy looked down at her grey hair tied up with a blue string as she knelt on the cold floor applying a white powder now to the wound. She told the small room with its ticking wall clock and her audience of two about his uncle Joe John who had been shot by the liberation army as he crossed the big hill near Oldhouses late on a winter's evening, and how he had lain up there for two days in the mud, bleeding his life away, conscious of his coming death, before they could bring the body down to wake him. Which he once though meant the person was sleeping, but since then he'd been to lots of houses with Granny where people were crying and giving each other tobacco and glasses of the strong stuff and he'd learned that those lying in their timber boxes being waked weren't sleeping. It just looked like it. Unless their faces were broken. In which case the boxes were shut.

"He was very good looking," she said. "Had a great head of hair. A bit like yourself." She ruffled Neddy's head and he reddened.

"Make sure you mind that knee now," and she went off with the pan.

When she came back, she held the large white ceramic bowl containing the trifle in front of her. "Now look at that," she urged with a proud smile, placing it on the table.

Neddy peered over the edge and into the pond of red jelly that formed the flawless surface of the dessert. Under the top, he could just make out the quarter-moon shapes of whitish pear slices resting on the brown fingers of Mrs Rathbone's sponge cake, sliced and soaked in sherry, which gave body to it all and held the parts together so solidly that the trifle could almost stand on its own if taken out of the bowl. And in the middle, hidden from view, was the pliers, Suspended in sweetness it lurked, jaws clenched, waiting to emerge and bite finger nails later that day.

Next week: Part 3



Got six words for you now

Reaction to Rainy Day's brave (?) plunge into the world of fiction has been mixed. But, undeterred, we're determined to plough ahead. Part 2 of our horror (horrible?) story will appear here next Wednesday. Why break it up into weekly postings? Well, Dickens was a great man for serializing his works and who could ask for a better role model? To be sure, blog posts are not to be compared to the great wodges of text the gallant Victorians were able to consume, but these are less than heroic times.

Talking about wordiness, did you know that Hemingway once wrote a story in just six words and is said to have called it his best work? Here it is: "For sale: baby shoes, never worn."

Another hero: Ernest Hemingway, American author.



Trifles — short story: Part 1

His mother asked him to run over to Anastasia Rathbone's for a bowl of trifle. There was to be a truthing that evening and Mr Power would be needing Mr Rathbone's strong pliers, which he liked to use when working on an informer. So he walked along the Top Road, humming, keeping an eye out for liberation army patrols and trying to think of something that might be nicer than buttered bread sprinkled with white sugar. A kitten just as its eyes are ungluing was nice, especially as it couldn't really bite or scratch. And the hot water bottle that made the bed feel like it was on fire was almost better than everything — but only when he had chilblains.

pliers It began to rain, so he began to run. Which was when he fell. Which was when the note his mother had pinned to the lining of his corduroy jacket came loose. Not that he noticed. The gravel that had embedded itself all across his kneecap required concentration. He had been knocked down often enough on the school yard to know how sore gravel could be. The knee was every bit as bad as the elbow, but not as bad as the forehead, but none of these was as bad as the Jeyes Fluid his mother used for treating the gravel cuts. Breen's mother put mercuricome on grazes, which smelled much nicer, but because of the truthings and the disinfecting that had to be done after the informers had been cut up, Jeyes Fluid was all they had at home.

Old Mr Noody, who visited twice a week for tea and a chat, always sniffed the air when he came into the kitchen and always said, "Jaysus Fluid!" It was the only original thing he had ever said but no one laughed at it anymore. Still, when most of those who didn't laugh anymore at Mr Noody's witticism went to the store and ordered the disinfectant from Mrs Ruane, they'd shout "Oh, and a bottle of Jaysus Fluid, Mrs!" And everyone would laugh out loud if it was one of the funniest things they'd ever heard.

Next week: Part 2



At the enchanted metropolitan twilight

The annual re-reading has been completed, but the glow from the beautiful metaphysics of Fitzgerald's prose lingers. Take this paragraph:

I began to like New York, the racy, adventurous feel of it at night and the satisfaction that the The Great Gatsby constant flicker of men and women and machines gives to the restless eye. I liked to walk up Fifth Avenue and pick out romantic women from the crowd and imagine that in a few minutes I was going to enter into their lives, and no one would ever know or disapprove. Sometimes, in my mind, I followed them to their apartments on the corners of hidden streets, and they turned and smiled back at me before they faded through a door into warm darkness. At the enchanted metropolitan twilight I felt a haunting loneliness sometimes, and felt it in others — poor young clerks who loitered in front of windows waiting until it was time for a solitary restaurant dinner — young clerks in the dusk, wasting the most poignant moments of night and life.

To his great credit, Jay McInerney has spent his life trying to emulate this. What a spectacular benchmark he has set himself! It is not his fault that he has never matched it, however. But who has? With Gatsby, published 81 years ago, Fitzgerald achieved the miracle of sounding contemporary while appealing to an audience that had grown up reading Henry James. The genius of the book is that it continues to sound contemporary. Fitzgerald wrote in the shadow of evil and no one who reads The Great Gatsby can put it down without feeling a sense of dread. Not just for those who would lose their fortunes in 1929, but for those who would be dragged into war in 1939. As we get ready to mark the fifth anniversary of the slaughter of 3,000 men and women in the city of "enchanted metropolitan twilight", his observation about "the most poignant moments of night and life" rings true across the decades.



The Henry Winter of our discontent

Chekov advised writers that descriptions of landscape should be sparing, while Elmore Leonard begins his "Ten Rules of Writing" with "1. Never open a book with weather." Henry Winter, the football columnist of The Daily Telegraph, has read his Leonard and Chekov. His reportage on the Champions League Final last week confirmed that. Take this:

"So full of confidence as they arrived in Paris on Tuesday, Arsenal found only darkness on the edge of town last night." Nice tip o' the hat to Springsteen, that, eh? But we're only warming up.

"All Arsenal's pride at their run to the final, all that self-belief rooted in a defensive defiance that had brought 10 successive clean sheets was replaced by a searing pain chilling them to the core." Do "sear", which means to "to burn or scorch something with an application of intense heat" and "chill", which means "to make somebody or something become cold, usually unpleasantly cold" belong together? Yes, if you're good. And it gets better.

"After years of searching of struggling to meet Europe's refined demands, the Londoners thought they had discovered Shangri-La on the banks of the Seine, particularly when Campbell headed in magnificently after 37 minutes." Factoid: Shangri-la was the name given to an imaginary land in Lost Horizon (1933) by the English novelist James Hilton. And now, the cream de la cream, as they used to say on Fleet Street.

"But Barcelona had other ideas. Just when Arsenal were hoping to march from Highbury to their new Ashburton Grove home through the Arc de Triomphe, they were run off the road by a Spanish street-car named desire. Eto'o and Belletti forcing Wenger's men down a boulevard of broken dreams." Hollywood, here we come!

But enough. Well, OK, then, one more gem. Here's how Winter ended his epic, which appeared last Thursday in the Irish Independent: "Desolation engulfed Arsenal". Proving, as if proof were needed, that everyone turns to the Bard in the end.



How would Galbraith have blogged?

What kind of blogger would John Kenneth Galbraith, the economist and intellectual, who died on 29 April aged 97, have made? We get a hint from his obituary in this week's Economist:

"A devotee of Trollope and Evelyn Waugh — 'Scoop' was a favourite — Mr Galbraith strove to perfect his prose, reworking each passage at least five times. 'It was usually on about the fourth day that I put in that note of spontaneity for which I am known,' he once admitted."

A spontaneous blogger in the sense of Trollope, then, is what Galbraith would have been. BTW, Anthony Trollope churned out some 50 three-volume novels despite holding down a day job at the British Post Office (he invented the pillar-box) that saw him spending spells in the West Indies and Ireland. According to his autobiography, he achieved his remarkable output with a writing regime of three hours a day, starting at 5am. Those who enjoy lampooning life would do well to keep this piece of Trollopian wisdom in mind: "The satirist who writes nothing but satire should write but little — or it will seem that his satire springs rather from his own caustic nature than from the sins of the world in which he lives."



"That's not writing," Beckett snorted,

"it's plumbing." No fan of the mashup, Sam, who would have been 100 today.



Happy New Year!

Rainy Day wishes health and happiness to all its loyal, and rebellious, readers! Will the blogging continue here in 2006? This diary entry made on 1 January 1829 by Sir Walter Scott reveals all:

Having omitted to carry on my diary for two or three days, I lost heart to make it up, and left it unfilled for many a month and a day. During this period nothing has happened worth particular notice. The same occupations, the same amusements, the same occasional alterations of spirits, gay or depressed, the same absence of all sensible or rational cause for the one or the other – I half grieve to take up my pen, and doubt if it is worth while to record such an infinite quantity of nothing. But hang it! I hate to be beat so here goes for better behaviour.

In that spirit, then, we will carry on and we hope you'll visit and comment, now and then.



Off with their quotation marks!

With sales of "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" topping three million copies and counting, Lynne Truss is not to be trifled with when it comes to punctuation. Recently, in The Daily Telegraph, she had this to say: "Punctuation is a form of politeness: a writer who includes punctuation is a writer who remembers, considerately, that a reader shouldn't have to do all the work of sorting out what he is trying to say." What would she think of this, then?

Tales of the old west, he said.

Yessir.

Lot of people shot and killed. Why were they?

Mr Johnson passed the tips of his fingers across his jaw. Well, he said. I think these people mostly come from Tennessee and Kentucky. Edgefield district in South Carolina. Southern Missouri. They were mountain people. They come from mountain people in the old country. They always would shoot you. It wasnt just here. They kept comin west and about the time they got here was about the time Sam Colt invented the sixshooter and it was the first time these people could afford a gun you could carry around in your belt. That's all there ever was to it. It had nothin to do with the country at all. The west.

We're in Cormac McCarthy country here and much to the horror of Lynne Truss the master of the Western prose ballad has eliminated all quotation marks from his writing so that the narrative voice and the characters' speech aren't separated anymore. To add insult to the Trussian form of injury, McCarthy also does very nicely, thank you, without lots of the other bits and pieces of punctuation, especially the comma, as we pointed out on 23 July this year. Maybe this makes McCarthy "impolite" but it doesn't detract from his greatness. Of course, Lynne Truss is not pitching her products at the creative writing market, but her readers might benefit if she lightened up now and then and showed them a few examples of the beauty that can emerge when rules are broken. I mean, she will never write a sentence as gorgeous as this: "There is a moonshaped rictus in the streetlamp's globe where a stone has gone and from this aperture there drifts down through the constant helix of aspiring insects a faint and steady mix of the same forms burnt and lifeless." Suttree.

Or what about this: "They were running on the plain harrying the antelope and the antelope moved like phantoms in the snow and circled and wheeled and the dry powder blew about them in the cold moonlight and their breath smoked palely in the cold as if they burned with some inner fire and the wolves twisted and turned and leapt in a silence such as if they seemed of another world entire. They moved down the valley and turned and moved far out on the plain until they were the smallest of figures in that dim whiteness and disappeared." The Crossing. Case closed.



On this day with Norman Lewis

The great British travel writer, Norman Lewis, who died two years ago, had an uncanny eye for the beautiful and the bizarre. What makes his work memorable is this ability to observe people as they exhibited all their grandeur and flaws. If you would like to experience Lewis at his best, read Naples '44, his diary of a year spent in the city at the end of the Second World War. An excerpt:

23 September 1944 When I first moved into the hotel I noticed that Don Enrico, enthroned in his wicker armchair in a position in which he could keep under observation every person who entered or left the hotel, occasionally groped in his pocket to touch his testicles on the appearance of a stranger. This, Don Enrico explained to me, was a precaution — commonplace in the South, but frequently practiced by Northerners, including Mussolini himself — to ward off the evil eye. On two or three occasions in the last week I have noticed women hastily cover their faces with a scarf or a veil at my approach, and scuttle past with averted faces. This, apparently, is how women deal with the problem. Now, this evening, coming into the hotel, I found a row of half a dozen regulars — Don Enrico included — sitting under the palms, and at the sight of me I seemed to notice a sly movement of every left hand towards the right side of the crotch. A disconcerting confirmation of loss of favour.

Perfect.



The quick brown fox

From "The First Cuckoo", a collection of letters to The Times since 1900, we get the following exchange, which began on this day 52 years ago:

From Mr. N. H. New

Sir,

I am embarking on a project to teach a young African French, and to allow him to practice typing at the same time. But is there a French equivalent for 'the quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog'?

Yours faithfully,
NEVILL H. NEW
September 21, 1953

From Mr E. A. Paterson

Sir,

On the margin of the instruction card on a portable typewriter I bought in Calcutta in May, 1949, was typed: 'Zoë ma grande fille veut que je boive ce whisky dont je veux pas.'

Your obedient servant,
E.A. PATERSON
September 23, 1953



Pseud's corner

Harry Eyres, who writes the "Slow Lane" column in the Weekend section of the Financial Times, tends to lay it on with a trowel but he surpassed himself recently with an account of a "three-month poetry-writing sabbatical" he awarded himself in a Spanish village "within sight of Morocco". As we know, poetry writing can be exhausting so the inevitable happened. That's right, our 'Arry "succumbed to the age-old imperatives of the Andalusian summer." He fell asleep, in other words. Here's his epiphany:

The subversive power of the siesta can be disconcerting. It reverses the logical order of things, reintroduces the shadowy forces of dream and reverie into the daylight hours that should be ruled by reason.

When you enter the realm of the siesta, you never know quite what you will find or in what state you will emerge. Sometimes I used to wake from my siesta perfectly rested, ready for my late afternoon walk along Bolonia beach and my swim in the cool Atlantic. Sometimes walking felt like being dragged back from some half-remembered place, a recess of memory or the past. I would feel drugged, heavy and drowsy — the state described by the Spanish word modorra, or Mallerme's "motionless lazy swoon."

You can think of the siesta as part of the universal human commons, a free space of reverie and infinite fancy not yet colonised or commodified by the powers that would expropriate those commons and sell them back to us."

Isn't that final sentence hilarious? So pompous, so meaningless, so, well, poetical. Yawn. It's a hard life, that of poet and FT scribe. Here's Harry on his crushing routine: "After a morning of birdwatching, reading, writing, buying my lunch at the Facinas market (wonderful little fresh jureles) and cooking it, I would allow myself to sleep it off, to sleep everything off, to sleep off years of a rhythm and a routine that had never seemed especially natural or congenial." Yawn. I'm going back to bed.



So, farewell then, Raoul Duke

Last Sunday, Hunter S. Thompson, the inventor of gonzo journalism, killed himself. Matthew Hahn, a freelance writer from Richmond, Virginia, arrived at Thompson's home in Colorado on the evening of 15 July 1997 and began an interview that extended into the early hours of 16 July. "A glass of Wild Turkey and ice was placed in front of me — for elocution purposes, of course," wrote Hahn. In "Writing on the Wall: An Interview With Hunter S. Thompson", which appeared in The Atlantic (subscription required), we learn that Thompson foresaw the blogging phenomenon:

Hahn: The Internet has been touted as a new mode of journalism — some even go so far as to say it might democratize journalism. Do you see a future for the Internet as a journalistic medium?

Thompson: Well, I don't know. There is a line somewhere between democratizing journalism and every man a journalist. You can't really believe what you read in the papers anyway, but there is at least some spectrum of reliability. Maybe it's becoming like the TV talk shows or the tabloids where anything's acceptable as long as it's interesting...

...You can get on [the Internet] and all of a sudden you can write a story about me, or you can put it on top of my name. You can have your picture on there too. I don't know the percentage of the Internet that's valid, do you? Jesus, it's scary. I don't surf the Internet. I did for a while. I thought I'd have a little fun and learn something. I have an e-mail address. No one knows it. But I wouldn't check it anyway, because it's just too fucking much. You know, it's the volume. The Internet is probably the first wave of people who have figured out a different way to catch up with TV — if you can't be on TV, well at least you can reach 45 million people [on the Internet]."

"He did not give 'a flying fuck' what he smoked, or ingested, or did, but there was a thoughtful side," writes the The Economist in its Thompsonesque obituary. Thompson's hero was Hemingway, and in 1964 he had made the long journey to Ketchum, Idaho, to the writer's grave to "understand why Hemingway had killed himself in his cabin in the woods, and concluded that he had lost his sense of control in a changing world." His crystal clear conclusion:

"It is not just a writer's crisis, but they are the most obvious victims because the function of art is supposedly to bring order out of chaos, a tall order even when the chaos is static, and a superhuman task when chaos is multiplying... So finally, and for what he must have thought the best of reasons, he ended it with a shotgun."

The Hemingway connection featured prominently in David Carr's appreciation in the New York Times. "The Thompson Style: A Sense of Self, and Outrage". Carr ends thus:

"And his suicide had its own terrible logic. A man who was so intent on generating a remarkable voice that he retyped Hemingway's novels just to understand how it was done, gave a final bit of dramatic tribute in turning a gun on himself."

Hunter S. Thompson's masterpiece is Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, which follows the writer, using the pseudonym Raoul Duke, and his psychopathic Samoan attorney, Dr. Gonzo, as they travel to cover a bike race in the Nevada desert. In the trunk of their Bronco, they have "two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half-full of cocaine and a whole galaxy of multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers.... A quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls," which they consume during their trip. When he arrives at the race, Thompson sees that there is no way that it can be covered in any conventional journalistic sense due to the drugs, the heat, the dust and the insane nature of the event itself. Realizing this, he writes:

"It was time, I felt, for an Agonizing Reappraisal of the whole scene. The race was definitely under way. I had witnessed the start; I was sure of that much. But what now? Rent a helicopter? Get back in that stinking Bronco? Wander out on that goddamn desert and watch these fools race past the checkpoints? One every thirteen minutes...?"

This is the journalism that made Thompson unique: facts and rhetorical questions. The reader has to imagine answers and images. At its best, it was original and intoxicating and to preserve the narrative, he purposely submitted his copy long after deadline to prevent too much editing. In his prime, the multiplying chaos was an asset. In the end, we should remember him in his prime.



The New Yorker eats, shoots & leaves Lynne Truss

In the current issue of The New Yorker, Louis Menand analyzes the grammar of bestselling author Lynne Truss in an article that's at times hilarious, at times inspiring. Here's how "Bad Comma" begins:

The first punctuation mistake in "Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation" (Gotham; $17.50), by Lynne Truss, a British writer, appears in the dedication, where a nonrestrictive clause is not preceded by a comma. It is a wild ride downhill from there.

Warming to his evisceration, Menand leaves blood on the floor and on the walls:

Parentheses are used, wrongly, to add independent clauses to the ends of sentences: "I bought a copy of Eric Partridge's Usage and Abusage and covered it in sticky-backed plastic so that it would last a lifetime (it has)." Citation form varies: one passage from the Bible is identified as "Luke, xxiii, 43" and another, a page later, as "Isaiah xl, 3." The word "abuzz" is printed with a hyphen, which it does not have. We are informed that when a sentence ends with a quotation American usage always places the terminal punctuation inside the quotation marks, which is not so. (An American would not write "Who said 'I cannot tell a lie?'") A line from "My Fair Lady" is misquoted ("The Arabs learn Arabian with the speed of summer lightning"). And it is stated that The New Yorker, "that famously punctilious periodical," renders "the nineteen-eighties" as the "1980's," which it does not. The New Yorker renders "the nineteen-eighties" as "the nineteen-eighties."

That's pretty bad, but worse follows. Ladies and gentlemen, the indictment:

Then, there is the translation problem. For some reason, the folks at Gotham Books elected not to make any changes for the American edition, a typesetting convenience that makes the book virtually useless for American readers. As Truss herself notes, some conventions of British usage employed in "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" are taboo in the United States-for example, the placement of commas and periods outside quotation marks, "like this". The book also omits the serial comma, as in "eats, shoots and leaves," which is acceptable in the United States only in newspapers and commercial magazines. The supreme peculiarity of this peculiar publishing phenomenon is that the British are less rigid about punctuation and related matters, such as footnote and bibliographic form, than Americans are. An Englishwoman lecturing Americans on semicolons is a little like an American lecturing the French on sauces. Some of Truss's departures from punctuation norms are just British laxness. In a book that pretends to be all about firmness, though, this is not a good excuse. The main rule in grammatical form is to stick to whatever rules you start out with, and the most objectionable thing about Truss's writing is its inconsistency. Either Truss needed a copy editor or her copy editor needed a copy editor. Still, the book has been a No. 1 best-seller in both England and the United States.

Tiring of Truss and her confused punctuation, Menand devotes the second half of his article to an exploration of the meaning of "voice". This is New Yorker writing of the old school and we should be damned glad that it has made it into the 21st century. Here's a vital observation on "voice": "Grammatical correctness doesn't insure it. Calculated incorrectness doesn't, either. Ingenuity, wit, sarcasm, euphony, frequent outbreaks of the first-person singular — any of these can enliven prose without giving it a voice. You can set the stage as elaborately as you like, but either the phantom appears or it doesn't." Menand is the real thing and, as he suggests at the beginning of his piece, Truss may well be part of a hoax that a huge number of people, myself included, have fallen for.



Once upon a time...

Towards the end of his life, the emperor Charlemagne fell in love with a young girl. His courtiers were extremely worried by this development as they saw that their sovereign was neglecting the affairs of state because of his fervour. When the girl died suddenly, they were greatly relieved — but not for long. Charlemagne's love did not die with her. He had the body embalmed and carried to his bedchamber, where he refused to be parted from it. The Archbishop Turpin, disturbed by this macabre turn of events, decided to examine the corpse. Sure enough, hidden under the girl's tongue, a ring was found. An enchanted ring! However, as soon as it was in Turpin's hands, Charlemagne fell passionately in love with the archbishop and had the body of the girl buried. To get out of this rather embarrassing situation, Turpin flung the ring into Lake Constance. Charlemagne thereupon fell in love with the lake and could not leave its shores.

For the great Italian writer Italo Calvino, this legend represented an almost perfect story as it's filled with drama: the love of an old man for a young girl, a magic object, necrophiliac obsession, homosexual desire, and everything ending in melancholy with the king staring in rapture at the lake. Despite all the florid variants that Calvino read in Italian, French, German and English, he preferred the simple one above. Why? Because "...everything is left to the imagination and the speed with which events follow one another conveys a feeling of the ineluctable."



Alistair Cooke, a bit of Astaire and a bit of Ali

Will the new media, with their promise of universal access and democracy of expression, produce a commentator as majestic as Alistair Cooke (1908-2004) was in print and broadcast journalism? Does any journalist today write with the elegance and effortlessness that he did? Here are a few examples of his reportage as presented by The Media Guardian (registration required):

This excerpt is from the first piece he wrote for The Guardian, a review of The Jew Süss, which appeared on 30 July 1929:

"The end of the fourth scene will doubtless be stored by connoisseurs as a collector's piece. It is in this scene that a small but beautiful performance lifts the play clean out of melodrama and touches a truth which is not only of the theatre. Miss Peggy Ashcroft, resisting every temptation to be coy, has the courage to play Naomi with the strictest integrity. Her implied passion for purity is consequently genuinely moving."

On 16 January 1957, the death of Humphrey Bogart found Cooke in magisterial form. This is as good as journalistic commentary gets:

"When Hitler was acting out scripts more brutal and obscene than anything dreamed of by Chicago or the Warner Brothers, Bogart was the only possible idealist likely to outwit him and survive. No Ronald Colman, Leslie Howard, or other handsome Boy Scout, but a conniver as subtle as Goebbels, a very tough gent who in the end was on our side. The enjoyment of this character from Glasgow to Singapore was assured by the supporting artistic fact that here was a universal type of our rebellious age but one that never appeared in life quite so perfect: never quite so detached in its malice, so inured to corruption, so self-assured in its social stance before the diffident, the pompous and the evil."

Ten years after the death of Bogart, Cooke chronicles another death, that of hope. The occasion was the assassination of Robert Kennedy on 5 June 1968:

"In the timeless nausea and dumb disbelief we stood and sat and stood again and sighed at each other and went into the pantry again and looked at the rack of plates and the smears of blood on the floor and the furious guards and the jumping-jack photographers.

It was too much to take. The only thing to do was to touch the shoulder of the Kennedy man who had let you in and get out on to the street and drive home to the top of the silent Santa Monica Hills, where pandemonium is rebroadcast in tranquillity and where a little unshaven guy amok in a pantry is slowly brought into focus as a bleak and shoddy villain of history."

Want more like this? The BBC has put together an impressive Letter from America showcase where you can follow Cooke?s career, from his first to his final broadcast ?letter?. The more one listens and reads, the more one realizes that Alistair Cooke was unique, that his talent was different, that he wrote like Fred Astaire danced and Muhammad Ali boxed. In other words, he was professional and graceful and special.

UPDATE: The current issue of The Economist carries a fine Cooke obituary. The final paragraph is pertinent:

"The world that produced Mr Cooke has gone. Americans increasingly see British journalists not as civilised gentlemen but as drunken spongers, like Peter Fallow in Tom Wolfe's "Bonfire of the Vanities". The Guardian, the descendant of Mr Cooke's old paper, routinely presents Americans as bloodthirsty lard-arses. The two countries, ostensibly allies, too often view each other suspiciously and lovelessly. At Mr Cooke's death, the special relationship had never needed him more."


My Moleskine Notebook

This is a story of diaries and coincidences. It's now almost 16 years since I first read Borrowed Time: An AIDS Memoir, by Paul Monette. The book is a journal of the author's final two years with his partner Roger Horwitz, who died of AIDS in 1986 in Los Angeles. It's a heartbreaking love story and beautifully written. The two travelled regularly to Europe, especially to Paris. When we join them, they're on the edge of the plague minefield, except they don't know it. Monette notes:

"Roger kept a diary only sporadically, and one night I left mine in a taxi near Saint-Germain-des-Pres? Roger and I went to Gibert Jeune the stationer, near Place Saint-Michel, where we bought blue-cover student notebooks lined with graph paper. At the time I was reading The Name of the Rose, a sort of cracked guide to Tuscany, and Eco speaks at the beginning of the cahiers of Gibert Jeune. Roger filled only five pages of his, but on October 31 he writes of us sitting by the Medici Fountain in the Luxembourg Gardens in Paris. He's full of the 'drag of nostalgia' and remembers reading Gide's Counterfeiters on the selfsame spot twenty years before. There's a brief aside to me: 'Paul — the book opens with a scene at the Medici Fountain.' Then at the end of the entry: 'These spells of fatigue? age? Some virus?' "

When I read that passage for the first time, I was struck by the pleasure and the pain of keeping a diary, and also by the sheer style the pair displayed by purchasing their writing materials at such a famous address. By way of an extraordinary coincidence, the next book I read also mentioned diaries and Paris. It was Bruce Chatwin's The Songlines. Early in the book, this exchange takes place between the author and his guide to the ways of Australia's Aboriginals, the remarkable Arkady Volchok:

'Do you mind if I use my notebook? I asked.
'Go ahead.'
I pulled from my pocket a black, oilcloth-covered notebook, is pages held in place with an elastic band.
'Nice notebook,' he said.
'I used to get them in Paris,' I said. 'But now they don't make them any more.'
'Paris?' he repeated, raising an eyebrow as if he'd never heard anything so pretentious.

That did if for me. I simply had to have one of these notebooks. The reason I was unable to write, I convinced myself, was that I didn't have the proper tools of the trade, especially "a black, oilcloth-covered notebook". Getting one, however, was tricky because the Parisian shop where Chatwin bought his notebooks had closed down in 1986 following to the death of its owner.

The story would have ended there had not Modo and Modo, the Milanese stationer, decided to recreate the notebooks and spin a marvellous marketing myth around them. Now, like thousands of other "writers", I've got a Moleskine Notebook, and the two of us are inseparable. For those of you who haven't seen one, it's made of acid-free paper, measures 9 x 14cm and has a foldable pocket in the back cover. A cloth ribbon attached to the spine acts as a bookmark, and a woven elastic band attached to the back keeps it closed. The name (pronounced mol-a-skeen-a) comes from the French spelling of "moleskin", which the oilcloth covering resembles. That much-abused adjective "cool" perfectly describes its ergonomic beauty.

Anyway, I have just discovered a blog devoted to the Moleskine Notebook and it is every bit as wonderful as that obscure object of desire to which it is devoted. moleskinerie legends and other stories is "dedicated to the proposition that not all notebooks are created equal." It also assures us that "No moles were hurt in the making of this blog." Marvellous.



Waugh's astonishing prescience

"I See Nothing But Boredom? Everywhere" was the portentous title of a piece by Evelyn Waugh that appeared in the Daily Mail on 28 December 1959. The future of travel was the great man's subject. Like all newspaper prophesy, it was ignored as soon as it was read, and because Waugh was extremely cantankerous, his post-Xmas prognostications were dismissed as the bitter reproaches of an ageing man (he died in 1966). A rereading, however, shows that he had imagined our future with incredible prescience and was rightly appalled by the vista.

Once upon a time, he said, "One went abroad to observe other ways of living, to eat unfamiliar foods and see strange buildings." But in the future, he predicted, the world would be divided, on the one hand, into "zones of insecurity" dominated by terrorism and, on the other, vulgar tourist traps consisting of "chain hotels, hygienic, costly, and second rate," to which people would be transported by the uniform jet. Well, we've got the terror now, we've all stayed in ghastly, modern hotels and air travel began its journey towards industrial conformity some while ago.

When one reads that Ryanair is planning to order jets without window blinds and seats that prevent reclining, one wishes to summon up the spirit of Waugh, just to see what his reaction would be. Today's increasingly uncomfortable, stressful, fearful flying experience stands in remarkable contrast to what was once charming and civilized. On a flight in the 1930s, the great traveller Paul Bowles observed: "I had my own cabin with a bed in it, and under sheet and blankets I slept during most of the flight."

What to do about this? Stop travelling altogether is one option, I suppose. Preferable, though, is to document and publish the horrors in the hope that the travel business can be brought to its senses. A dark, brutal sort of Cond頎ast Traveller is what I have in mind. Any backers out there?



Prague spring

Here's one for the diary: The Prague Writers' Festival. It runs from 21 to 25 March and is dedicated to the memory of Joseph Roth (1894-1939), the great Central European novelist and journalist. One the speakers will be the poet Michael Hofmann, who has done more than anyone else to bring the work of Roth to the attention of the English-language world through his magnificent translations. Born in Freiburg, Germany in 1957, Hoffmann now lives in London. When asked what draws us to Roth today, Hofmann said:

"His elegant, reflective, economy of style. He writes novels, invents novels that incorporate the life of his times, peopled by characters who are unaware of themselves in what seems a quite modern way. He has a profound, structural understanding of modern life."

Roth was a master of the feuilleton, or think piece, which held an honoured place in the pages of Europe's great newspapers during the 20th century. A selection of these, translated by Michael Hofmann, and entitled What I Saw: Reports from Berlin, 1920-1933, was published two years ago by Norton. Thanks to Hofmann, Neil Belton at Granta, in London, Robert Weil at Norton in New York and Joan Acocella of the New Yorker, Joseph Roth is finally getting the recognition he deserves. His life was unbearably tragic. As Michael Hofmann wrote: "He was the premier journalist of the period, a hotel dweller, an alcoholic, a workaholic, loved women, collected knives, collected watches, lived out of suitcases and wrote thirteen novels. Dead at forty-four."

In the 19 January issue of the New Yorker, Joan Acocella had a fine piece entitled "EUROPEAN DREAMS, Rediscovering Joseph Roth. Here's how she wove together the writer's past with his politics:

"When Roth was born, in 1894, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, presided over by the aging Franz Joseph, consisted of all or part of what we now call Austria, Hungary, Romania, Slovenia, Croatia, Poland, Ukraine, Slovakia, the Czech Republic, and Italy. Ethnically, this was a huge ragbag, and separatist movements were already under way, but to many citizens of the empire its heterogeneity was its glory. According to the so-called 'Austrian Idea,' Austria-Hungary was not so much multinational as supranational — a sort of Platonic form, subsuming in harmony and stability the lesser realities of race and nation. Among the most ardent subscribers to this belief were the empire's two million Jews. Because they could claim no nation within the crown lands, they feared nationalism — they felt, rightly, that it would fall hard on them — and so they were loyal subjects of the Emperor. Roth shared their view. He changed his politics a number of times in his life, but he never forsook his ideal of European unity or his hatred of nationalism."

The nationalism that Roth hated ended up destroying his ideal state and finally destroyed the writer himself. Acocella's final paragraph is chilling:

"He might have escaped. He received invitations — one from Eleanor Roosevelt, to serve on an aid committee; one from pen, to attend a writers' congress. These people were trying to get him out of Europe. He didn't go. Many others did, and prospered. Roth's friends tended not to prosper. Stefan Zweig ended up in Brazil, where, in 1942, he died in a double suicide with his wife. Ernst Weiss stayed in Paris, and killed himself on the day the Nazis marched into the city, in 1940. Ernst Toller escaped to New York, where, in 1939, he hanged himself in his hotel room. When Roth got the news about Toller, he was in the bar, as usual. He slumped in his chair. An ambulance was called, and he was taken to a hospital, where he died four days later, of pneumonia and delirium tremens. He was forty-four years old. The following year, as part of the Third Reich's eugenics program, Friedl [Roth's wife] was exterminated."



The diet of the panda

The panda bear eats shoots and leaves. That's a zoological fact. Put a comma after "eats", though, and our cuddly panda changes into a deadly and discourteous restaurant customer. Talking of customers, Ireland's largest supermarket chain, Dunnes Stores, recently placed a full-page ad in the country's top-selling magazine, the RTE Guide, which read in part: "Dunnes Stores would like to wish all our Customer's A Happy Christmas." Those responsible for writing the ad copy proved unable to distinguish between "customers" (plural) and "customer's" (possessive).

These observations are brought on by reading Eats, Shoots and Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation by Lynne Truss. It's the surprise hit of the publishing season in Britain and Ireland and it's also a hot contender for the Rainy Day Book-of-the-Year award. When a book about commas becomes a bestseller, something must be afoot, but what? Well, it's no secret that with modern communication (e-mail, texting), grammar, spelling and punctuation are hitting rock bottom. All these elements work together as the signposts and traffic lights of language and their abandonment in favour of free-style expression is causing all kinds of disasters. In the short run, bad punctuation leads to sloppy thinking as well as advertising copy that's an embarrassment to those who pay for it; in the long run, well, in the long run we're all dead, as Keynes said, but it's not good news for English.

Can we roll back the tide of misplaced apostrophes and commas? This is a critical moment as the balance is tipping in favour of electronic communication. The world will face more pressing issues in 2004 than punctuation, but Lynne Truss has done us all a great favour by reopening our eyes to its importance. And she's done it in a way that makes people smile. Now, that's an achievement.

Diarist of the day: Stephen Spender, 29 December 1975

"Afternoon, went to Toledo — left Madrid at three-thirty so by the time we got to Toledo it was almost dark. Last time I was in Toledo, 1935 or 1936, it was a beautiful desolate city with beggars on the steps of the cathedral, a few tourists. It has now bee cleared up, a touristic shrine with arty wrought-iron lamps, brick walls carefully pointed, everywhere evidence of restoration. The cathedral was nearly in darkness, but when we came up to the high altar it was a blaze of light; seated in front of it, enthroned, an archbishop, a cardinal or two, bishops, priests, etc., all robed. Then a man pushed forward from the congregation and rearranged the archbishop's mitre — and we realized it was a scene being shot for a film."



Dibdin update

Somewhat underwhelming response to our call for feedback on Michael Dibdin's Medusa. Maybe you haven't got around to reading it yet. Maybe you're still reading it. While we're waiting for the comments to reach a critical mass, here are two links that you might like to follow if you wish to learn more about this exceptional author.

First up is an interview with Dibdin in the British zine Crime Time. The questions were posed by Barry Forshaw. Here's an interesting Dibdinian insight:

"There were two teachers I had at school who were very important. One was my French teacher, George Craig, now Reader in French at Sussex University, who passed on a sense of intellectual rigour and also of the wider world outside the little Ulster town where I was growing up. The other was James Simmons, the poet, who taught English at my school, but also jazz, blues, beat poetry, enthusiasm, drunkenness and general anarchy at late night gatherings at his house. Finally, and perhaps most important, was a woman called Eileen Coleman, the mother of my best friend at school, an extraordinary person who had been — among many other things — a lover of Oliver St John Gogarty (the model for Blazes Boylan in Joyce's Ulysses). She had an endless fund of good stories, as well as the ability to smoke an unfiltered Woodbine until it had almost two inches of ash hanging off the end but not dropping until she tapped it. She later drowned in a boating accident off the Donegal coast. I loved her dearly, and dedicated The Dying of the Light to her memory."

This train of thought is followed in "A little wine with Michael Dibdin", when Linda Richards, editor of January Magazine, asks the author why he left England.

"I was actually raised in Northern Ireland. So I sort of grew up as an ex-pat, in a way. And I've always been sort of restless. I just wanted to go somewhere different. I had no intention of staying as long as I did. I thought it would just be the year and then I'd go off and do something else and one thing led to another and then I couldn't imagine what the something else would be, either. So, that's what happened. And then I did one semester of a Ph.D. course and I said, 'This is getting ridiculous.' You see, I always wanted to be a writer, but being a writer isn't something you can just go out and do a job interview for. You have to write something that people want to read. And it took me a very long time to realize what I could do."

Both interviews are well worth reading, as is Medusa, Dibdin's latest novel. Buy it, read it and send on your comments.

Diarist of the day: Brian Eno, 17 December 1995

"Home for evening, watching The Beatles' Anthology with Anthea. Interesting to notice how a lot of those quite weak songs have that ring of total authenticity now? The Beatles' message was 'Look: we can do anything — and make it work!' So the work becomes cradled within (and assessed in terms of) a process of creative improvisation in which the whole culture is at the that moment engaged. And improvisations are very forgiving — entered into in the spirit of 'What's to lose?' "



The sublime Norman Lewis

The "Diarist of the day" experiment that began here on 1 January this year is drawing to a close. Just beyond the chronological horizon lies 2004, and new ideas will be needed in the New Year. Let's see if we can come up with something equally stimulating and popular. Looking back on the task of finding appropriate entries for each day of this year, I can say that of all the benefits of poring over diaries in the past 24 months, one of the most tangible was discovering the writing of Norman Lewis.

Born on 28 June 1908, Norman Lewis died on 22 July this year. He left behind some sublime work. Graham Greene said he had "no hesitation in calling him one of the best writers, not of any particular decade, but of our century". A reading of the opening pages of A Dragon Apparent (1951), confirms Lewis' reputation as a stylist: "On the morning of the fourth day the dawn light daubed our faces as we came down the skies of Cochin-China?With engines throttled back, the plane dropped from sur-alpine heights in a tremorless glide, settling in the new, morning air of the plains like a dragonfly on the surface of a calm lake."

His fascination with Asia endured into his last decade. In 1993, he published An Empire Of The East about his travels through Indonesia. He had covered much of this territory some 40 years earlier with Golden Earth, in which he predicted the savage dictatorship that would be the result of Burma's imminent civil war. Although a travel writer in the classic tradition of the outside observer, Lewis was not just a silent witness. In 1968, when, travelling through Brazil for the Sunday Times with the great photographer Don McCullin, he saw the results of atrocities committed against the native people by the government's so-called "Indian protection service". The report he wrote on his return caused an international clamour, and led to the establishment of Survival International.

Reading Lewis's accounts of his travels around Asia, Latin America and Europe, one falls immediately under the magical spell of his prose. Tomorrow, as a tribute, our post will be an extract from his diary of life in wartime Naples, in which he's called upon to advise a British officer who has taken a Neapolitan mistress. Among the challenges facing the young lover is that she's accustomed to having sexual intercourse six times a night. A daily concoction of marsala with egg yolks, and the wearing of a medal of San Rocco, patron saint of coitus reservatus, are among Lewis's helpful recommendations.

Diarist of the day: Charles Ritchie, 27 October 1941

"In the expensive restaurants at this hour pink, well-scrubbed schoolboys masquerading in Guards uniforms are drinking bad martinis with girl-friends in short fur capes and Fortnum and Mason shoes, who have spent the day driving generals to the War Office or handing cups of tea and back-chat to soldiers in canteens. Grass widows in black with diamond clips or pearls are finding the conversation of Polish officers refreshingly different from that of English husbands. A film actress (making the best of a patriotic part at present) is just going through the swing doors of the Aperitif with David Niven at her elbow."



He smokes, he drinks, he talks, he types

Who is the best journalist writing in English today? By best I mean most compelling, most contrary, most honest, most witty, most capable of writing a sentence that exposes fraud with the elegance that would tempt you to make frightful bargains with Mephistopheles in order to possess such facility with words? An example of his eloquence, here, on the subject of "evil":

"For example, many countries maintain secret police forces and inflict torture on those who disagree. And some countries inflict torture or murder at random, since the pedagogic effect on the population is even greater if there is no known way of avoiding the terror. Caprice, also, lends an element of relish to what might otherwise be the boring and routine task of repression. However, most governments will have the grace (or the face) to deny that they do this. And relatively few states will take photographs or videos of the gang-rape and torture of a young woman in a cellar and then deposit this evidence on the family's doorstep. This eagerness to go the extra mile, as is manifested in Saddam Hussein's regime, probably requires an extra degree of condemnation. And if we are willing to say, as we are, that the devil is in the details, then it may not be an exaggeration to detect a tincture of evil in the excess. We could have a stab at making a clinical definition and define evil as the surplus value of the psychopathic — an irrational delight in flouting every customary norm of civilization."

The incomparable writing there of better than anyone else these days that one wonders if he's a once-off phenomenon. He smokes, he drinks, he talks, he types with the panache of a person who knows that he's on top of his game. Sacred cows such as Mother Theresa, liberal idols like Bill Clinton and establishment icons such as Henry Kissinger receive no quarter from Hitchens. Their hypocrisy, their cant and their lies are nailed to the wall and flayed with such devastating honesty and accuracy that one wonders how anyone could ever dare to be associated with their names again.

For the past year Hitchens has been educating and entertaining visitors to Slate with a series of intermittent articles, which appear under the rubric "fighting words". Brimming with fire, each is a lesson in language and style and every one offers an example of the ineffable magic that separates the best from the rest. When not writing from Slate, authoring books, jousting on television, travelling and lecturing, Hitchens pens columns for Vanity Fair and does book reviews for The Atlantic Monthly, a magazine that's enjoying an exceptional spell at the moment. In the current issue, he assesses Edward Said's Orientalism in a breath-taking piece called "Where the Twain Should Have Met." The introduction to the latest edition of Said's book contains the brazen falsehood that American troops looted the Iraqi Museum in Baghdad and this furnishes Hitchens the opportunity to expose the lie. First, however, Edward Said:

"In the process the uncountable sediments of history, which include innumerable histories and a dizzying variety of peoples, languages, experiences, and cultures, all these are swept aside or ignored, relegated to the sand heap along with the treasures ground into meaningless fragments that were taken out of Baghdad's libraries and museums. My argument is that history is made by men and women, just as it can also be unmade and re-written, always with various silences and elisions, always with shapes imposed and disfigurements tolerated, so that 'our' East, 'our' Orient, becomes 'ours' to possess and direct."

Hitchens deconstructs this pomposity in exemplary manner:

"This passage is rescued from sheer vulgarity only by its incoherence. The sole testable proposition (or nontautology) is the fantastic allegation that American forces powdered the artifacts of the Iraq museum in order to show who was boss. And the essential emptiness of putting the 'our' in quotation marks, with its related insistence on possession and appropriation, is nakedly revealed thereby. We can be empirically sure of four things: that by design the museums and libraries of Baghdad survived the earlier precision bombardment without a scratch or a splinter; that much of the looting and desecration occurred before coalition forces had complete control of the city; that no looting was committed by U.S. soldiers; and that the substantial reconstitution of the museum's collection has been undertaken by the occupation authorities, and their allies among Iraqi dissidents, with considerable care and scruple. This leaves only two arguable questions: How much more swiftly might the coalition troops have moved to protect the galleries and shelves? And how are we to divide the responsibility for desecration and theft between Iraqi officials and Iraqi mobs? The depravity of both is, to be sure, partly to be blamed on the Saddam regime; would it be too 'Orientalist' to go any further?"

Journalism, especially the mostly mendacious stuff that passes for it today in Europe, is badly in need of a squad of Hitchens' to defend readers and viewers against group think and protect them from manipulation. While we wait and hope for such figures to emerge, let's be thankful that the one and only Christopher Hitchens continues to expose deceit and propaganda with elan and vigour.

Diarist of the day: Eugene Delacroix, 2 September 1847

"Travelled in the omnibus with two nuns; their habit made a deep impression on me as I thought of the general corruption of morals and the abandonment of all good principles. I like to see this habit which enjoins, at any rate on those who wear it, an absolute respect for the virtues — for devotion, self-respect and regard for others, even if only on the surface."



For Orwell at 100, 50 faces at 50

"At 50, everyone has the face he deserves." So wrote George Orwell, who was born 100 years ago today. But what does that mean in an era of nose jobs and Botox jabs? Well, just as 1984 is more of a warning than a prediction, Orwell's words about appearance are not to be taken at face value. In the 21st century, the "deserves" of a generation ago could now be interpreted as "earns". Meaning that if you've got the money, get a new look. You've earned it. You "deserve" it.

A more negative 21st century reading of Orwell's saying, however, might suggest that because a "fresh" face is necessary for survival in certain businesses — movies, PR, politics, advertising, real estate sales — those who've tried to deny the plod of time "deserve" the mutilation they've subjected themselves to. Having attempted to cheat chronology, they're now condemned to live a cosmetic lie. Beware! That surgical smile might someday turn into "A rictus of cruel malignity" as James Joyce put it in A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man.

And that brings us to another 21st century reality: longevity. Fifty in Orwell's exhausted 1940s is today's, what, 60? 70? Meaning that those who opt for serious image change in their 30s, 40s and 50s might be living with the implications for a long, long time. But that's enough theory. Let's move on to the practice. With the help of HistoryOrb, I've selected 50 people who are 50 this year. Your task is to Google 'em and find out if Orwell's maxim applies. Go!

Tony Blair, British Prime Minister, Leon Spinks, former heavyweight boxing champion, Mike Oldfield, composer of Tubular Bells, Mickey Rourke, actor/boxer (Wild Orchid, Barfly), Tina Brown, ex-New Yorker editor, Kevin Rowlands, vocalist Dexy's Midnight Runners (Come on Eileen), Tom Hulce, actor (Amadeus), Merrill Osmond (Osmond Brothers), John Edward Stevens, New York bank robber (FBI Most Wanted List), Henry Percy, 11th duke of Northumberland, godchild of Queen Elizabeth II

Willy "Mink" Deville, blues/rock singer, Klaus-Dietrich Flade, German cosmonaut (Soyuz TM-14), Robert Parish, NBA center (Boston Celtics, Charlotte Hornets), Marcia Clark, LA DA (OJ Simpson case), Franz Klammer, Austrian downhill skier (Olympic gold 1976), John Malkovich, actor/director, Midge Ure, rocker (Ultravox), Bruce Sutter, baseball pitcher (Cubs, Cards, Braves), Pat Benatar, singer (Hell Is for Children)

Kim Basinger, actress (Batman), Kathie Lee Gifford, TV hostess (Live with Regis & Kathie Lee), Dale Earnhardt, six-time NASCAR national champion, Michael Bolton, rock vocalist (That's What Love Is All About), Jean-Bertrand Aristide, president of Haiti, Desi Arnaz Jr, actor, Chaka Khan, singer (I am Every Woman), Osvaldo "Ossie" Ardiles, Argentine football player, Ken Burns, epic documentary maker (Civil War), Sara Simeoni, Italian high jumper (Olympic gold, 1980)

Tom Petty lead singer The Heartbreakers, Mary Steenburgen, actress (Parenthood, Time After Time), Suleiman Nyambui, Tanzanian runner (world record 5k indoor), Vijay Amritraj, India, tennis player/actor (Octopussy), Ron Howard, actor/director (American Graffiti), Senator Russel D Feingold, (Democrat, Wisconsin), Robert Cray, bluesman, Hulk Hogan WWF heavyweight champion, Dalila di Lazzaro, Italian model, Graham Gooch, English cricket captain

Nanci Griffith, singer/songwriter (Poet in My Window), Eric Bogosian, actor (Talk Radio), Greta Waitz, Norwegian marathoner, Andras Schiff, Hungarian pianist, Colm Meaney, Irish actor (Star Trek, Deep Space 9), John Shirley, sci-fi author (Eclipse Penumbra, Eclipse Corona), Roland Butcher, first black cricketer to play for England, 1981, Kathleen Ann Shower, Playmate of the Year, May, 1985, Tico Torres, Bon Jovi drummer, Bobby Rahal, Indy-car racer.

Diarist of the day: Joe Orton, 25 June 1967

"[Tangier] It is half past nine and the Fatima [maid] hasn?t arrived yet. Perhaps she isn't coming today. I hope not. Women are a terrible drag to have around. It's like a holiday when she isn't here. Although the last two months have been very enjoyable and a great success, neither Kenneth [Halliwell] nor I will be sorry to leave on Friday. I feel the need to some something fresh. Not work -- though undoubtedly I shall finish What the Butler Saw -- just a change of scene. Even sex with a teenage boy becomes monotonous. Ecstasy is as liable to bore as boredom. I need the atmosphere of London for a month or two in order to stir me from the lethargy into which I am in danger of falling."



Diarist of the day

We're taking the unusual step today of devoting our post to a "Diarist of the day". As readers of this blog will know, the main post of the day is followed by an entry from a diarist who wrote something on this particular date. Well, today's example is so splendid that it deserves the main billing rather than footnote status. The diarist is Alan Clark.

The late Alan Clark was handsome, talented and a Tory. He revelled in shocking his colleagues by saying and doing outrageous things. A self-confessed philanderer, Clark once admitted finding Margaret Thatcher "attractive" but added: "I didn't want to jump on her." His wife, Caroline Jane, stoically endured his infidelities for 40 years. After the details of his seduction of a South African judge's wife and two daughters made the headlines, she said: "If you bed people of below-stairs class, they will go to the papers." Alan Clark on...

Eton...
"An early introduction to human cruelty, treachery and extreme physical hardship". Whereas Oxford was simply "a waste of time and petrol".

Style...
When told that New York City Mafia boss John Gotti wore $2,000 suits, he said: "I didn't know it was possible to buy one so cheaply."

Witty, flamboyant and scandalous, Alan Clark was also a diarist in the tradition of Samuel Pepys. Like Pepys, his style was superb and, like Pepys, he had that extraordinary ability to turn any incident into an observation on humanity. Here's his diary entry for 17 June 1990:

"This morning I killed the heron. He had been raiding the moat, starting in the early hours, then getting bolder and bolder, taking eight or nine fish, carp, nishikoi, exotica, every day. I had risen very early before five, with the intention of getting a magpie who has been pillaging all the nests along the beech hedge. But returned empty-handed. They are clever birds, and sense one's presence. Suddenly Jane [his wife] spotted the heron from the casement window in my bathroom. I ran down and took the 4.10 off the slab, cocked the hammer. He was just opposite the steps, took off clumsily and I fired, being sickened to see him fall back in the water, struggle vainly to get up the bank, one wing useless. I reloaded, went round to the opposite bank. Tom beat me to it and gamely made at him, but the great bird, head feathers bristling and eyes aglare, made a curious high-pitched menacing sound, his great beak jabbing fiercely at the Jack Russell. 'Get Tom out of the way', I screamed. I closed the range to about twenty feet and took aim. I did not want to mutilate that beautiful head, so drew a bead on his shoulder. The execution. For a split second he seemed to have absorbed the shot; then very slowly his head arched round and took refuge inside his wing, half under water. He was motionless, dead. I was already sobbing as I went back up the steps: 'Sodding fish, why should I kill that beautiful creature just for the sodding fish?' I cursed and blubbed up in my bedroom as I changed into jeans and a T-shirt. I was near a nervous breakdown. Yet if it had been a burglar or a vandal I wouldn't have given a toss. It's human beings that are the vermin."


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